grrreaaw!
bite you
la.
1:07 AM
The concrete broke your fall
To hear you speak of it
I'd have done anything
I would do anything
I feel like a cartoon brick wall
To hear you speak of it
You've been so sad
It makes me worry
Why not smile?i cant say i know how you're feeling cos i dont. i cant say im aware of the feelings you go through cos i dont. it aches me everytime i know you're suffering and i cant do a thing to make it go away. i thought long and hard every day and night of the things i could do to make you happy. i despise myself for all the little things i did thinking they would make you smile like how you made me smile. i hate myself for doing the little things in order to make myself feel better; in order to repay you for all that you did for me. it hurts to see a friend i care so much for sink into a state i can never imagine, and all i do is hang around, remain silent and let things be. the foolish thought that you'll get over it on your own. i hate it when all i did was to cry at my helplessness and inability to do anything. the silence between us is haunting. and it gets worse when i cant think of anything wise to say, so afraid that any single word would spark your wrath. why, why cant this friend of mine find happiness? yes, i agree happiness is fleeting but who knows what a moment of happiness can do?
6:31 PM
guess what.
im starting to love Economics. no, actually im starting to adore William A. McEachern(pronounced
Mac-Cak-Kin, not Mac-E-hen), Professor of Economics, University of Connecticut a.k.a. the guy behind Microeconomics: A Contemporary Introduction(6e). Microeconomics suddenly seem so easy(
fine, i was dumb in the first place can.) why didnt i read that f-ing book earlier huh? late night studying seem so fun all of a sudden.
p/s: no, im not trying to be sarcastic. :)
2:20 AM
been visiting my grandma for the past few days. when i saw her on the day she had her knee operation, she looked like she was in total pain. there was this huge metal support thing on her left leg, and that thing was like twice the size of her legs. plus she's so thin and weak i was so afraid she wont be able to take it. remembered when i saw her on the day she had her op, she was really really tired and frail, then i thought to myself "
i want to die young.." well but then again its not up to me how long im gonna live so yea.
was told today during MIEC we had to choose between International Economics and Finance(IEF) or Finance International Trade(FIT) for one of our modules in the second year. the lecturer said most local universities require students to take IEF, and that micro and macro are considered "baby economics", and IEF would be the "child". and that IEF is "
5 times harder"(the lecturer's exact words btw.) and one of the requirements to take IEF is to get at least a C for both micro and macro. but i got only a D for macro last sem. sorta gave up my idea of taking law overseas, and my second option would be SMU. but many of my seniors said IEF is a total killer and im
so gonna get screwed ten times over if i choose IEF since my micro and macro are like shit. i dont know which to choose. i so need tuition for econs.
help.
term break next week, common tests the week after. econs and CIP are still managable but im so gonna flunk BSTA. so bloody confident that i'll flunk it alright. somebody tell me why others can understand this f-ed up module so well and i cant? and tell me why do i have to get a bloody slack tutor for it? somebody just shoot me alright.
feeling increasingly frustrated with myself recently. why cant i be more sensitive at the appropriate times? damn it man. and i totally detest the feeling of helplessness; of not being capable enough to change anything. the feeling, its crushing me.
11:56 PM
i opened this window with the intention of writing about something that has been on my mind lately. i thought for hours and decided that i dont know exactly what i want to say afterall. these things are bothering me. is that all i could do? no, im pretty sure there must be more i can do than let things remain as it is.
1:28 AM
no inspiration to blog these days. kinda losing the enthusiasm..heh. oh well. didnt do much during the week, just school and more school. had the 72 hour MCI project to do for OB this week..chose the topic on personality types which i think was way more interesting than some SIA conflict. okay actually both are pretty alright. started doing research on lawyers but i figured i dont know much about these law stuff and i gave up. started researching on commercial pilots(woo~ HK drama serials inspire me ehh?) which was much more fruitful. it was supposed to be an 800 word report but mine was 999 words.
had volleyball attachment yday. one word to describe it - bore. it was worse than S&W man. what the heck. and i thought i could learn some new skills.
stayed back and "trained" for the Polympics shit after school today. the weather was crazy and i was crazier to even stay in the sun. im on a permant blush now. nice. :) went Queensway after that. dropped wee cheng an sms to ask if she was around that area and coincidentally, she was. so i left the rest and went off with her cos i was starving and feeling totally cramp-y. went to eat at Anchorpoint before deciding to head down to Holland. was at Cold Storage and i was
SO bloody tempted to buy those irresistable tubs of Ben & Jerry's. there were like SO many flavours to choose from man. damn it. i regret not buying them now. the craving for chocolates and ice-cream is getting from bad to worse this week. sigh. went Starbucks for a drink cos wee cheng wanted to drink coffee. oh, did something ive nv done before in my entire life but it wasnt exactly exciting or anything. i know nuts about them but well, ppl learn new things everyday and today is no exception. heh heh. its fun but i shldnt be encouraging her to do such things. but then again she's so stubborn she wont listen to me. sheesh im such a lousy friend man.
stay away from me. okay anyway. stayed till like 730PM before we left. thats like, about 3 hours at Starbucks! geez. didnt feel like it was 3 hours though. maybe cos i had fun
(no, im not bored. i insist i wasnt bored.) and time flies when you're having fun. took 198 and went to eat dinner at the coffee shop near my place. left around 930PM cos i had to go.
reading this series of chinese
xiao shuos lately. its really nice. i love the way the author ends every chapter and how she manages to link the chapters up in one event. real cool. copied down a few nice quotes from the book too. its getting quite addictive. i love reading. especially those that makes you
think and reflect.
“男人的诺言，还是不要记住的好。记住了，会一辈子也不快乐。” and i feel quite happy already. :)
12:35 AM
i want to watch Phantom again (cos he is so darn handsome).
11:49 PM
i have a habit of looking through my phone and clearing the unwanted smses every night before i go to sleep. so without fail, i was looking through the 60 over smses i kept in my phone early this morning. i usually do not bother looking at the mmses cos i do not have many, but yday i sent one to my friend, so i went to scan through the inbox of the mms folder. was looking at 2 particular mms a friend of mine sent me some time in November. and i realised that she actually included a msg together with the mms. i didnt know the msg existed before that - i didnt bother to scroll down to read the msges..i just looked at the picture that was sent and left it to rot in my inbox.
so i read through them thoroughly and it just warmed my heart. it might be the words used, or some feeling that got stirred inside..i dont know which. they were sent when i was feeling quite down some time ago, and it suddenly occured to me that i have friends who genuinely care for me; who wants me to be happy. and i dont see why i shouldnt be. friends who do care; who wants to do more to keep me smiling, but have no idea or means to do it; who thinks hard and long in attempt to cheer me up and realise they dont know what to say; friends who wish they can do more than reply smses when their friend is right there bawling like a bloody idiot in front of the laptop. pretending i am happy when in fact im not would just be letting them down. and i really do not see the point in doing that.
taken off wee cheng's old blog some time ago..
"Too many of us are caught up in our frenzy and hectic lives to appreciate simple things. But, at the end of the day, it's the simple things that bring us the greatest joy."
and i do believe at the end of the day, that it is those simple things that matters most. like a simple msg sent last November, or a little treat to movies. :)
11:41 PM
it disgusts the hell out of me to even consider how some people actually think
so highly of themselves when they are in fact just like any other human on this face of earth. looking good does not naturally mean you would attract every single creature in this world; or in this country for that matter. really, just go to hell.
11:58 PM
Secret Garden
Bruce Springsteen
She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides
She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' 'round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice
You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where you can't remember
And you can't forget
She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
Then she'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away
a classmate of mine told me one day that what i write here in this blog is quite different from the image i portray in school. certainly, i was quite taken aback when i heard that. no one ever told me that. neither do i exactly know what kind of image do i portray in school. i cant recall our exact conversation now, but i remembered something my friend said..something like she could find traces of what i feel in her.
"
You only ever know as much as people want you to know, and anyone can pretend to be anything, if it suits them."
i dont know why i even write things in here. i know these long paragraphs of incoherent ramblings wont make a difference in a matter or weeks, or months.
do they even matter now? i remember that i once told my friend that i dont exactly like the idea of having some stranger read my innermost thoughts. or letting some acquaintance of mine i hardly know judge me from what i write. and i think its scary when ppl know too much about me; then i will become a totally predictable person. and i guess sometimes i just have too much in my head i dont know where or how to start. like when i have something i want to write about, i would make a mental note in my head to write about it, but when i get down to blog, i would just totally forget about that particular incident and write about what i ate for lunch or some other things ppl dont give s hit about. no, i dont mean that i want ppl to give a shit about what i write. ahh, you get the idea huh. i guess what i write here in this blog dont exactly reveal who or what i am inside. but honestly, i dont think it matters to anyone who or what i am; or what im thinking about for that matter. or perhaps sounding totally incoherent and contradicting and nonsensical is just me.
oh well.
6:42 PM
looking back..
2004 has got to be one of the more exciting years i had on planet earth so far. the ups, the downs. countless. leaving secondary school, leaving Fairfield, my home of 10 years is one big obstacle. coming to poly is another. no where else beats Fairfield. that striking yellow and blue uniform. that comfort zone. that playground. that very place where all the fondest memories are. no where and nothing can ever replace that huge chunk of memories inside me. never.
work. ive learnt a lot this year. be it through my previous job at Esplanade, or entering ngee ann. my job at Esplanade has got to be the best job offer i ever got. through sheer luck i would say. ive learnt a lot. learnt that the world out there is as big as it can be. tales you hear about it..sounds intimidating and maybe untrue, but the outside world is really as scary as you read or hear. i can say for sure that the job at Esplanade is one of the more memorable highlights this year. realised what i love to do. if given a chance, i really wouldnt mind going back there again. work wasnt 100% smooth-sailing. i had my fair share of obstacles to overcome, and it was no easy feat. glad i managed to survive the harshness of it all so far.
poly. i still dont know if taking up BS in NP is the best choice ive made so far. i have my regrets at certain points in time. but im glad to have found a cool bunch of classmates here at ngee ann. my poly life so far is just total slacking. and i guess that might be how im gonna go through the remaining 2 1/2 years there. i keep saying i will make the effort to be more diligent in my studies, but i have to admit that i never did. last minute revisions and chiong-ing of notes dont count. kinda shameful huh. well i cant say for sure i'll be able to score good grades in school, but i can promise i'll try. doing my best is all that matters. what a way to comfort myself huh. sheesh.
relationships. forged countless this year. my heart broke, i cried over what-seem-like-everything-but-is-actually-nothing now that i look back. i made so many ridiculous and silly mistakes. and i just dont learn. but at least i managed to pick myself up time and time again..i admit i do cry and mope and act like the sorriest fool on earth, but im glad those times didnt last. i can even laugh and joke about the silly shits i did before. even hated myself sometimes for being such an idiot. heh. i dont know what's in store(is this the correct word? hmm.) for me in the next year and years to come, but again i promise i'll change. i'll try. i'll be more mature.(sheesh!!) one thing i want to do, is not let my imagination run wild. im not gonna give a shit anymore. i dont want to expect anything when there's nothing. sometimes having a oh-so-fantastic sense of imagination wont do you any good yea.
friendships. am grateful that i still meet up with my classmates from Fairfield. some friendships may have faded..some strengthened. i have to admit it takes quite a bit of effort to keep in contact with someone..and i guess i dont always make that effort with every single one of my friends, save for the close ones. i remembered my auntie once told me that the friends you made in secondary school are the ones you usually keep in contact with for the longest period of time. seems true for me i guess. had friends outside school..not many though. just a couple. but i guess its enough. for now at least. classmates from tb22. made school more interesting. made lectures and tutorials "fun". heh.
in the past 364 days. i read the most number of books, earned the highest amount of money so far, went to the most unforgettable concert of the year, my relationship with my parents improved, i had my heart broken twice, i started learning how to drink alcohol, found out how coffee taste like, spent the most amount of money(i think), i removed my braces(i really really miss them), went gaga over a fellow Singaporean, had a taste of poly life, met my first online friend, i learnt how to knit, watched the most number of movies, i backslided(again)..well thats all i remember to far.
alright its past 12AM on the 1st Jan 2005..so here's wishing my blog readers a very HAPPY NEW YEAR.
oh just wanna take this opportunity to make a little shout-out to some ppl in my life..
guohao. thanks for everything. thanks for bearing with my constant whacking(i know it hurts, im trying to be less violent/aggressive k..) cant imagine what life will be without you. my closest guy friend. who seems to read my mind sometimes. sometimes only..haha. thanks for accompanying me wherever i wanna go. thanks for willingly carrying my heavy bags whenever we're out. thanks for hearing me out when i needed someone. you've been a great pal so far. appreciate and am grateful for you. but sometimes you just worry me more than anything else. i remembered after we got our results for 'O's, how upset you were and everything..remembered how sometimes i hate the way your family for being so strict with you. how everything you do(like going to a JC) is for your mum and all, just pisses me off. you doing so much and your mum doesnt understand. there was once i wondered what would i do if you died or something, and i figured i would be too distraught to even attend your funeral..haha. not cursing you or anything lar. well i hope ive been as good as friend as you've been to be.(despite the shoutings/screamings/whacking/pinching/whatever.) oh, i think im so gonna die when you enter NS. dont gooooooo.......aha.
wee cheng. someone i really admire. your courage for doing and saying things you want to say without hesitation. thanks for all the movies you watched with me..My Girl, 2046, Before Sunset, and the recent Phantom. thanks for being so onz all the time. thanks for hearing me out and cheering me up all the time. thanks for those forwarded smses. thanks for bring there. thanks for everything. i appreciate them all. uhmm i know you really want me to be happy(i hope im right..lol.) reading that entry on your blog just brought tears to my eyes.(argh sounds so mushy..-_-") really appreciate those smses. really do. reading them over never fails to put a smile on my face. and dont ever feel guilty for something you said. ive never blamed you. you're one friend im really proud of.(sheesh i dunno why.) its only been a year since ive known you, but you're definitely someone closer to my heart. really really glad to have known you..still remember exactly one year ago at Cityhall..(muahahaha! :P) i must say i enjoyed all the times spent with you, even though we dont see each other often. going out with you just makes me put aside all my problems. (i think i wrote a lot of crap..as usual.) the bottomline: thanks for being you. :) but please do help make some decisions sometimes k? its very stressful for me to make them all you know. well i have to say this is one book you definitely shld not judge by its hard exterior.(ie hard cover books.) qian(not used to calling you this..) is a paperback! hahahahahha! -_-" so lame. blech.
yufen. the company during our job at Esplanade was invaluable man. kinda miss those times despite everything. i remember our late night suppers after work at Marina's Mc. those silly gushing about si ann. and not to forget jack. hohoho~ quite glad we managed to get into the same class in NP. really strange if you ask me cos we're like both appeal cases..haha. thanks for being there for me when i needed you..remember that time when we sat at the promenade just stoning? how could i forget that man. and that uncle that sold cotton candy and popcorn? and Saturday Night Fever? whoa, that was crazy. man those times were amazing. serious. one word to describe it? unforgettable. ;)
wai lreng. one faded friendship. doubt we can ever go back to what we used to be in secondary school. hardly talk to you nowadays..save for those times whenever you went to meet yufen. we dont talk like we used to..remember the other day when you came to crash? and we had to take buses from the same busstop? it just felt kinda awkward then..cos we didnt really have anything to say to each other. i guess i kinda expected something like this to happen..maybe because we just dont make that little effort to keep in contact. but no matter what, im glad we were once quite close..
daniel. im very very relieved that we still talk on msn..keep each other updated with things that are going on in our separate lives. guess we both tried to make that effort even though our conversations just die sometimes..no worries though. :) you're one friend im really proud of too..not forgetting those 5 years..haha. one extremely intelligent guy with that air of nonchalence around you. elena told me you looked happier now..really happy when i heard that. you've been a great friend..would love to meet up with you soon! you said you have a bad memory for remembering ppl's names and faces..but you had better not forget me alright. i'll kill if when you do. i promise. and no, you werent exactly a jerk. ;)
okay i think this is one long entry for the beginning of a new year..heh. i started at like 11PM and ended only now. either i type way slowly, or i had too many interruptions in between.(for example those nudges on msn7.) anyway i screwed. i havent done OB e-learning and CIP project. damn.
1:56 AM
